After a month in the hospital, only getting out of my room a couple of times, meant I was ready for some fresh air. Imagine not being able to breath outside, real, air for 4 straight weeks. Yeah doesnt sound great does it. Then again if you look on the brightside, it's going to feel that much better when you do. It was, oh was it great.
The day I got to leave the hospital was great, I had been "locked" away for an entire month and I was ready for some real air. It was a little scary at first, I mean I had gotten to know the hospital as home, I had a routine of sorts down, I'd take my drug's at this time and that time, I'd eat this for breakfast, I'd see this person in the morning when i woke up, and this person when I finally fell asleep at 5am. I knew I was still sick and had a long road ahead of me. I knew at the hospital I was getting better and I was safe, there was always someone there for me at the click of a button, litteraly. I knew if I ever felt off, sick, or wanted good drugs I could just press my trusty button and within minutes someone would come running, who is trained in this sort of thing, so I knew I was in great hands. So leaving was a little scary, I knew going home was going to be great, but what if I got sick, or something happened, what then? I had a lot of questions, none of which I asked because I just wanted to get out. So saying goodbye to my new friends was a little tough, knowing very well I would see them again in a couple weeks for another two week stint in the "clink" it was still hard saying goodbye to people that I had grown so fond of.
With my goodbye's said, it was time to take that breath, I was with my sisters Amy and Gina and a good buddy of mine, Hooper. They walked me out and they can attest to it, I walked out the door, stopped in the parking lot and breathed, for about five minutes, breath after breath, in the fridgid cold, I tried to take it all in, for as long as I could before it was too cold to bear. Noone said anything, Amy, Gina, and Hooper knew what was going on, my first breath in a month, it was something else.
I had been in the hospital for awhile and I didnt have a radio, as some of you know i'm kindof a music conusor, or at least I like to think so. I hadnt listened to music in a month, the only music I got was from the guests on late night television. Too say the least I was excited to listen to the radio, get back into the mainstream music world. I cant remember what the first song I heard was, but I know I liked it. It didnt matter what it was, I liked it. Music is such a powerful thing, it cures so many thing's. I dont know what it is about music, but it's so good for everything, no matter what mood your in, listening to music, any music, makes that mood so much better. You should listen to music everyday, just sit and listen to music. You can thank me later.
The drive home was shorter than I had remembered it, considering the ride up there I was basically going to find out whether or not my life would take a drastic turn or not. I dont remember saying much, just listened to the radio, talked to Gina a little bit, but not much was said, to be honest there really was'nt anything to talk about, I was going home and this is what I wanted for the past couple weeks. After 20 minutes or so I got over leaving the hospital, shit I was going back in a couple weeks anyways, the hospital was going to miss me more than I was going to miss it. Words couldnt express my excitement, I just remember looking out the window thinking to myself, well I've made it this far, cant look back now, can only look forward, this is what I was dealt, just have to go with it.
When we finally pulled into Northfield I starting remembering all of the good time's I had there, from the stupid things I did when I was in high school to the more recent memories of the legendary summer I just had, and for a second about a month prior I didnt know if I was going to live for another month. We got closer and closer to home and I knew things were going to be just fine, no more worrying, I was just exctied to be home. We finally made it, we pulled in the driveway, turned the car off, and I just sat there for a couple seconds, I'm just trying to take everything in, I had been away from home for an entire month, i've never been away from home for that long, I mean christ my mom still does my laundry. When I walked in the door and my parents were there, my cat was there, and I knew it was'nt going to be easy but I could do this, I could beat this.
Right then I knew, I was finally home.......
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friends
Where would i be without them. It's funny when you find out you're sick with something like cancer, 23 years old and something that you think could never happen to you, happens. You dont know what to say to people, you dont know how to act, people dont know what to say to you, you dont know what to say to people, just kindof role with whatever.
Some people go through life not knowing what kindof friends they truly have, when you get sick, you find out quickly. The first month I was in the hospital I didnt spend much time alone. I remember at times there had to have been at least 15-25 people in my hospital room at one time. I had a really big room, after my many stay's there it was considered "my room", by my new friends there, the nurses. It was crazy, there would be times that there would be all of these people in there, and i would need to take some pain meds or something, not that i was in pain, but that i liked the way they made me feel, if you know what i mean. I would fall asleep with all these people in my room, and when i'd wake up, there still all were, just hanging out, talking amongst eachother, having a great time.
Not that getting cancer is ever a good thing, but it really open's your eye's to thing. When i first got sick and was in hospital, it gave everyone a chance to catch up with eachother, some people hadnt seen eachother in quite some time, so in a sense me getting sick was a good thing. Not only did it reconnect some of my friends, but it also opened others eye's to things like cancer, just add's to the the awarness, so i cant really look down on the fact that i got sick or ask why me, better me than somone else, right? right.
There were time's when my friends would hang out with me in the hospital until the we hours of the morning, my friends from home became friends with my nurses, it was just one big group of friends by the time i left there.
My nurses were great, some were my friends, some my mother types, it was good, i needed it. It's funny the things they would do for me. Most of them knew exactly why i wanted the pain med's. Everytime i would buzz them in, I would ask them if i could have my pain med's yet, they would check when i last had them, and if i could they would ask me what my level was, 1-10, EVERY SINGLE TIME I would say a four or five, they would look at me smile and bring me the goods. I dont mean to sound like a dopehead or anything sometimes i was in pain and actually did need something, other times, it was more or less to pass the time and to deal with the awful television i had to watch while i was "locked up". They knew what would happen to me when i would take them too much, constapation. Not cool. I would go days and days without going to the bathroom, after awihle i would have to try everything they had, from pills to warm purne juice, so gross by the way, but it worked. They would always threatin me with dipository's, I didnt want anything to do with them, so I would drink the prune juice. The nurses that would act like a mother figure when my real mother wasnt there would always ask me how i was doing, and say they're worried about me being bored and what not like any good mother would. There was this one nurse that I had a couple of time's usually over night, that everytime when her shift would start, around 11:30pm, she would bring in this little stool and sit next to my bed and rub my arm and ask how i was doing and how my day was going, say weird things. She was a super nice lady, but damn, she weirded me out at times. It's one thing to ask me how my day was and how i'm doing tonight and whatnot, but did she need to rub my arm? I dont know, call me crazy, just seemed a little unnecessary to me. She was a little nutty to say the least. Most of my nurses new that I refused to eat the god for saken food at the hospital, so they would never ask, most of my time spent in the "clink" I would only eat the breakfast and then the rest of the day i would eat pop-sickle's. I would usually eat them through the night until I was full, or until i would throw up. All and all my nurses were great, and i still consider them good friends, I could not have gotten through anything without them.
Another thing that i found interesting was that was brought to my attention by one of my good friends is that, with all of these people coming to see me all the time, me resting in my hospital bed, some i hadnt seen in a real long time, some I didnt think I would ever see again, or at least have a meaningful conversation with, but they came and it was fine. What my buddy said to me was, it's weird, it's like being at your own funeral and being alive for it. All of these people, because i'm sick, people not knowing what may happen in the future, coming to see me, whether i had talked to them the day before or hadnt talked to them in years, they were there to see me, talk to me, just be around. Not really knowing what to think. I mean death was an actual possibility, but not in my eye's never once crossed my mind, once i was in the hospital. I was in there to get better, and get home.
My friends have played a much bigger role in my recovery then i could ever put into words, that is somthing that i will try to talk about throughout my posts.
Again if you have any idea's or advice please let me know.
Some people go through life not knowing what kindof friends they truly have, when you get sick, you find out quickly. The first month I was in the hospital I didnt spend much time alone. I remember at times there had to have been at least 15-25 people in my hospital room at one time. I had a really big room, after my many stay's there it was considered "my room", by my new friends there, the nurses. It was crazy, there would be times that there would be all of these people in there, and i would need to take some pain meds or something, not that i was in pain, but that i liked the way they made me feel, if you know what i mean. I would fall asleep with all these people in my room, and when i'd wake up, there still all were, just hanging out, talking amongst eachother, having a great time.
Not that getting cancer is ever a good thing, but it really open's your eye's to thing. When i first got sick and was in hospital, it gave everyone a chance to catch up with eachother, some people hadnt seen eachother in quite some time, so in a sense me getting sick was a good thing. Not only did it reconnect some of my friends, but it also opened others eye's to things like cancer, just add's to the the awarness, so i cant really look down on the fact that i got sick or ask why me, better me than somone else, right? right.
There were time's when my friends would hang out with me in the hospital until the we hours of the morning, my friends from home became friends with my nurses, it was just one big group of friends by the time i left there.
My nurses were great, some were my friends, some my mother types, it was good, i needed it. It's funny the things they would do for me. Most of them knew exactly why i wanted the pain med's. Everytime i would buzz them in, I would ask them if i could have my pain med's yet, they would check when i last had them, and if i could they would ask me what my level was, 1-10, EVERY SINGLE TIME I would say a four or five, they would look at me smile and bring me the goods. I dont mean to sound like a dopehead or anything sometimes i was in pain and actually did need something, other times, it was more or less to pass the time and to deal with the awful television i had to watch while i was "locked up". They knew what would happen to me when i would take them too much, constapation. Not cool. I would go days and days without going to the bathroom, after awihle i would have to try everything they had, from pills to warm purne juice, so gross by the way, but it worked. They would always threatin me with dipository's, I didnt want anything to do with them, so I would drink the prune juice. The nurses that would act like a mother figure when my real mother wasnt there would always ask me how i was doing, and say they're worried about me being bored and what not like any good mother would. There was this one nurse that I had a couple of time's usually over night, that everytime when her shift would start, around 11:30pm, she would bring in this little stool and sit next to my bed and rub my arm and ask how i was doing and how my day was going, say weird things. She was a super nice lady, but damn, she weirded me out at times. It's one thing to ask me how my day was and how i'm doing tonight and whatnot, but did she need to rub my arm? I dont know, call me crazy, just seemed a little unnecessary to me. She was a little nutty to say the least. Most of my nurses new that I refused to eat the god for saken food at the hospital, so they would never ask, most of my time spent in the "clink" I would only eat the breakfast and then the rest of the day i would eat pop-sickle's. I would usually eat them through the night until I was full, or until i would throw up. All and all my nurses were great, and i still consider them good friends, I could not have gotten through anything without them.
Another thing that i found interesting was that was brought to my attention by one of my good friends is that, with all of these people coming to see me all the time, me resting in my hospital bed, some i hadnt seen in a real long time, some I didnt think I would ever see again, or at least have a meaningful conversation with, but they came and it was fine. What my buddy said to me was, it's weird, it's like being at your own funeral and being alive for it. All of these people, because i'm sick, people not knowing what may happen in the future, coming to see me, whether i had talked to them the day before or hadnt talked to them in years, they were there to see me, talk to me, just be around. Not really knowing what to think. I mean death was an actual possibility, but not in my eye's never once crossed my mind, once i was in the hospital. I was in there to get better, and get home.
My friends have played a much bigger role in my recovery then i could ever put into words, that is somthing that i will try to talk about throughout my posts.
Again if you have any idea's or advice please let me know.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Background......
Where do i start? I was living the life, I had some money, from student loans, I didnt have a job of course. All summer long it was playing baseball, going to the cabin, and doing whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted, without a care in the world. Then it all went down........
I had a cold for a couple weeks, just a cold, nothing to worry about, it progressivly got worse, didnt really think anything of it, i got colds all the time. I woke up one morning and my neck was swollen, still felt shitty, so at this point it was time to go to the doc. So, I went home to Northfield to the clinic, not expecting anything but for the doctor to give me some med's and tell me to go home and get some rest. That's exactly what happened. They took my blood, gave me a strep test, the usual things. The machine that does whatever it does with your blood wasnt working so they couldnt tell me what my blood counts were, but the doc said it probably wasnt anything. So I got my med's and went home, feeling shitty, but better that the doc said it wasnt anything to worry about.
After about 45 minutes of sitting at home, complaining to my parents that i didnt feel good and that, "this sucks, i hate being sick" like I was 12 again, the doc called and asked to talk to my mother.
(When a doctor calls and asks to talk to your mother, it cant be good.)
The doctor told my mom that it was either mono or Luekemia, haha, one end of the spectrum to the other. My mom told me this once she got off the phone, i was shocked, i didnt have the words to say anything at all, i didnt know what to do, I immidiatley thought that i was going to die, I had cancer. My parents and sisters assured me that it was'nt Luekemia, for sure it was mono. The doctor told my mom that i was to go up to Abbot Northwestern Hospital for additional blood work and some other tests. I didnt know what to think, I had to go outside and get some fresh air, although it was raining, it was needed. I just stood there thinking about all of the things that i could've done to prevent this, and i could'nt think of any. Maybe i had too many beers this summer, maybe too many late night's, anything, but i could'nt find anything. I had lots of things running through my head.
Later that evening my sister Amy took me up to Abbot Northwestern hospital to get additional blood work done and a ton of other tests. I hated hospital's, before this i refused to go there for anything, just didnt like to be in them, I didnt think anything good came from them. I got over that very quickly. As i sat in this hospital bed watching the few channels that were offered on the tv I was alone with my sister and my thoughts. Not for long. It was only about an hour or two after I had gotten there, before my friends showed up. I think there were eight of them or so. Without the results from my blood work back I didnt really have much to tell them, it didnt matter to them, they were there, and they were going to be there, no matter what. It was a great feeling.
The next morning I woke up, had to sleep at the hospital, didnt like it much, so I didnt sleep too well. I woke up to a large unfamiliar face staring at me, saying "good morning", in a African accent. In a drousy stouper all i could muster was a simple, "Hey, how's it going?" Well this giant of a man proceeded to tell me his name, which I forgot, that it was indeed Luekemia that i have and not mono.
It's differnet when your mom tells you that you have mono or Luekemia than it is when a doctor tells you that you have Luekemia. When my mom told me I was scared, and didnt know where my life was headed, when my doctor told me, I was calm and just wanted to know what was next, and lets move forward, i'm sick, i'm going to need some treatmant, so lets get started.
That day I was moved into the chemo section of the hospital, and started my chemo.
For an entire month, four weeks, I spent in a hospital room, all day, all night, shitty tv, TONS of friends.
This is just some background of my situation and whatnot. I started this blog basically so I have something to do, and to let people know what i've done and what i'm doing now, any ideas let me know.
For now, this is the first post, my first ever, disregard the grammatical error's and the spelling. I'm just trying to get something posted, i'm under a lot of pressure here, my reader's want something read. I'm going to try and post something everyday about my experieces and what i'm doing now, things like that.
Anyway's, first post, here you go.......
I had a cold for a couple weeks, just a cold, nothing to worry about, it progressivly got worse, didnt really think anything of it, i got colds all the time. I woke up one morning and my neck was swollen, still felt shitty, so at this point it was time to go to the doc. So, I went home to Northfield to the clinic, not expecting anything but for the doctor to give me some med's and tell me to go home and get some rest. That's exactly what happened. They took my blood, gave me a strep test, the usual things. The machine that does whatever it does with your blood wasnt working so they couldnt tell me what my blood counts were, but the doc said it probably wasnt anything. So I got my med's and went home, feeling shitty, but better that the doc said it wasnt anything to worry about.
After about 45 minutes of sitting at home, complaining to my parents that i didnt feel good and that, "this sucks, i hate being sick" like I was 12 again, the doc called and asked to talk to my mother.
(When a doctor calls and asks to talk to your mother, it cant be good.)
The doctor told my mom that it was either mono or Luekemia, haha, one end of the spectrum to the other. My mom told me this once she got off the phone, i was shocked, i didnt have the words to say anything at all, i didnt know what to do, I immidiatley thought that i was going to die, I had cancer. My parents and sisters assured me that it was'nt Luekemia, for sure it was mono. The doctor told my mom that i was to go up to Abbot Northwestern Hospital for additional blood work and some other tests. I didnt know what to think, I had to go outside and get some fresh air, although it was raining, it was needed. I just stood there thinking about all of the things that i could've done to prevent this, and i could'nt think of any. Maybe i had too many beers this summer, maybe too many late night's, anything, but i could'nt find anything. I had lots of things running through my head.
Later that evening my sister Amy took me up to Abbot Northwestern hospital to get additional blood work done and a ton of other tests. I hated hospital's, before this i refused to go there for anything, just didnt like to be in them, I didnt think anything good came from them. I got over that very quickly. As i sat in this hospital bed watching the few channels that were offered on the tv I was alone with my sister and my thoughts. Not for long. It was only about an hour or two after I had gotten there, before my friends showed up. I think there were eight of them or so. Without the results from my blood work back I didnt really have much to tell them, it didnt matter to them, they were there, and they were going to be there, no matter what. It was a great feeling.
The next morning I woke up, had to sleep at the hospital, didnt like it much, so I didnt sleep too well. I woke up to a large unfamiliar face staring at me, saying "good morning", in a African accent. In a drousy stouper all i could muster was a simple, "Hey, how's it going?" Well this giant of a man proceeded to tell me his name, which I forgot, that it was indeed Luekemia that i have and not mono.
It's differnet when your mom tells you that you have mono or Luekemia than it is when a doctor tells you that you have Luekemia. When my mom told me I was scared, and didnt know where my life was headed, when my doctor told me, I was calm and just wanted to know what was next, and lets move forward, i'm sick, i'm going to need some treatmant, so lets get started.
That day I was moved into the chemo section of the hospital, and started my chemo.
For an entire month, four weeks, I spent in a hospital room, all day, all night, shitty tv, TONS of friends.
This is just some background of my situation and whatnot. I started this blog basically so I have something to do, and to let people know what i've done and what i'm doing now, any ideas let me know.
For now, this is the first post, my first ever, disregard the grammatical error's and the spelling. I'm just trying to get something posted, i'm under a lot of pressure here, my reader's want something read. I'm going to try and post something everyday about my experieces and what i'm doing now, things like that.
Anyway's, first post, here you go.......
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