I’m back, sorry I’ve been away for so long, got caught up in other things and whatnot.
Something that eats at me often is the financial burden that is put on someone that is in my place. Someone who is very ill, and having to pay a bunch of bills, but still told that they can’t work, by those very people that they are paying. Don’t get me wrong I love and am so thankful everyday for every doctor I have encountered through this process, without them I wouldn’t be here today.
Some of you already know that on Tuesday the 16th of February, I got the ok to resume my everyday life again, with a few exceptions. I can’t drink until I see a liver doctor, who I see next Tuesday, and I can’t go back to my old job. I get it, my immune system isn’t what it once was and won’t be for awhile, but when you say I can resume my normal life, well you don’t really mean that, because with my normal life, I wouldn’t have limitations on where I can work and what I can drink, I’m ok with the drinking part just not the working part.
Right who wants to work anyways, if you don’t have too why would you, well for the longest time now, since last march, I haven’t been able to work, we are going on a year, that’s a long time to go without making any money. Now that I’m healthy and able to resume my life again, I can’t. I don’t have any money to do anything, I can’t even pay my own rent, or any of my bills for that matter, and you know how depressing that is. It’s funny how awesome you can feel one day, because the day you’ve been waiting for, for over a year as come, you can return to normalcy, and how fast you come back down off of that cloud, back to reality, took me two days. Reality sucks. Right I get it my health is the most important part of all of this, but the financial burden that has now fallen upon me is so overwhelming at times that its almost just as hard to deal with as being sick. I’m broke as a joke, and I’m not one that likes to ask for help, I actually hate it, I’m 25 I should be able to do things myself, you’re right I’ve been through some shit, that’s no excuse, I blame myself, maybe if I would have worked while I was in college more, or in high school I would have more money saved so that I would never be in the corner I am in now. A lot of what if’s, and that’s really all I have, what if I win the lottery or mega millions, that would be awesome, then I could really start my life, I would still get a job, I just wouldn’t have the burden of not being poor. I’m grateful for my friends and family who have helped me out throughout all of this, who knows where I would be now without them, but they are people too, with their own bills, own worries, they don’t need to be helping me, and it sucks to have to put your friends in family in that spot. I don’t like it one bit.
Apparently there are a lot of other things that come along with getting cancer, things that I never would have thought, but here they are, I’m living with them on a daily basis, I was asked by some friends if I could go out for some wings and I had to stop and I still am thinking about whether or not I can afford to spend 5 dollars on some wings, because I don’t know if it is financially alright for me to be doing so, but I will I’m a real sucker for wings, ha.
On a lighter note and a more up-beat side of things I started coaching again on Tuesday, it’s GREAT. I needed them as much as they needed me; I can’t express in words how great it is to be back. Although I don’t get paid for it. Ha-ha always comes back to that. Damn it.
Anyways, this is just a rambling of things on my mind, I was thinking about them on my walk, and I figured I’d write a blog about it. In all seriousness if anyone out there knows someone who knows someone who knows someone that has some sort of office work that I could do it would be great to hear about and see if something couldn’t work out.
That’s all the sour ramblings I have for now, everyone have a great day, it’s nice out, and spring is near.
Keep your head up.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Life bag...
Well I had been living at home for, well, far too long. I was sick of renting movies and sitting on the couch at my parents house, don’t get me wrong I love my parents and all, but there is only so much a guy can do living at home when all of his friends live in the cities and surrounding ‘burbs. As soon as I was well enough you could count on me not being at home. I usually spent the weekday’s at Becky’s in St. Paul and most of the weekend’s either once again at Becky’s or in Bloomington at a good buddy of mine, Matt, and his two roommates that I have grown close with, Matt, and Jason.
A typical week of mine went like this, Monday I would drive from my house in Northfield and head up to Augsburg to work out and talk baseball with my college coach and just hang out at campus for a couple hours, just mingling and having conversations with people that I hadn’t seen in awhile and got them up to speed how I was doing, and what was next for me and things like that, after that I usually drove to Bloomington to the Matt’s and Jason’s house. When I was there I would usually grill something for lunch and just hang out until they got home from work, we’d hang out watch some sporting event and then depending on what Becky was doing I would either, go over to her place and spend the night or I would mosey on home. This routine went on day after day, for weeks, it was the same thing all the time.
To be honest I didn’t mind doing this at all, routines were nice, and I was used to them, having to take pills and do this and do that, having doctors and nurses coming and talking to me at the same time, I was used to it all. This was clearly a routine that I enjoyed a lot more than being in the hospital, because it was a routine that I chose. Everything I did and when I did it, I chose, I got to choose what I did all day every day, that’s the just way it went.
Usually when I left on Monday morning I would pack my life back. A life bag consists of everything you need to survive away from home, I had enough clothes to last me seven days, a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, some extra cash, and my phone charger. All of life’s necessities. Without my life bag I would have been lost.
After a couple of months of packing a life bag it was time to find a permanent home. So I Matt, my best friend from high school, Josh another good friend from high school and Andy a great friend from Augsburg moved into a place in south Minneapolis.
Finally no more life bag.
With living on your own come your own bills, like rent, and food, although still to this day my mom buy’s my groceries, only because I can’t afford my own. With your own bills and other things, comes the stress of having money and have enough money to do the things that I wanted to do.
Once again I can’t work and once again I have the stress of not having any money, I’m hoping I’ll come out of this alright, but who knows, before you know it, it might be time again to move home and pack a life bag, but let’s hope not.
A typical week of mine went like this, Monday I would drive from my house in Northfield and head up to Augsburg to work out and talk baseball with my college coach and just hang out at campus for a couple hours, just mingling and having conversations with people that I hadn’t seen in awhile and got them up to speed how I was doing, and what was next for me and things like that, after that I usually drove to Bloomington to the Matt’s and Jason’s house. When I was there I would usually grill something for lunch and just hang out until they got home from work, we’d hang out watch some sporting event and then depending on what Becky was doing I would either, go over to her place and spend the night or I would mosey on home. This routine went on day after day, for weeks, it was the same thing all the time.
To be honest I didn’t mind doing this at all, routines were nice, and I was used to them, having to take pills and do this and do that, having doctors and nurses coming and talking to me at the same time, I was used to it all. This was clearly a routine that I enjoyed a lot more than being in the hospital, because it was a routine that I chose. Everything I did and when I did it, I chose, I got to choose what I did all day every day, that’s the just way it went.
Usually when I left on Monday morning I would pack my life back. A life bag consists of everything you need to survive away from home, I had enough clothes to last me seven days, a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, some extra cash, and my phone charger. All of life’s necessities. Without my life bag I would have been lost.
After a couple of months of packing a life bag it was time to find a permanent home. So I Matt, my best friend from high school, Josh another good friend from high school and Andy a great friend from Augsburg moved into a place in south Minneapolis.
Finally no more life bag.
With living on your own come your own bills, like rent, and food, although still to this day my mom buy’s my groceries, only because I can’t afford my own. With your own bills and other things, comes the stress of having money and have enough money to do the things that I wanted to do.
Once again I can’t work and once again I have the stress of not having any money, I’m hoping I’ll come out of this alright, but who knows, before you know it, it might be time again to move home and pack a life bag, but let’s hope not.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Post
There are some thing's I never mentioned about what else goes into this whole cancer thing.
One of the first things that they do when they tell you that you have cancer is place a central line. Some start in your arm, under your bicep, they go in there and its a long cord that goes into your heart. I had a couple of these, they suck, they're annoying, see its a long cord that goes through your arm, and at the end of it there are two dangly things that stick out. Thats where all of the drugs go, and where they draw blood, anything you can imagine, happens with this line. When I say things like, "the nurses had to wrap me up", anything that has to do with wrapping, i'm talking about having to get wrapped to take a shower. Everytime I wanted to take a shower, either me or somone else would have to wrap up my cords that happened to be sticking out of my arm, so that they wouldnt get wet. These lines that they put in me were awful, not only were they just lame to have, but it hindered my ability to do really anything. I had to be careful how I laid on my side, in case I pulled my lines out, I couldnt throw anything, a baseball most importantly, I had to be wrapped in reynolds wrap to take a shower, the simpelist of daily tasks turned into chores, and things that just sucked.
I also had another kind of central line, this one was in my chest, this one I liked much more. Dont get me wrong I didnt like anything about it, but it was much better coming out of my chest then it was my arm. I still had to wrap myself, although, I did find that the sticky stuff, with one side that just stuck to you, not sure what it's called but it was great. One piece, push it over the two things now sticking out of my chest, not my arm, and take a shower, easy. I never really had anything bad to say about the line coming from my chest, although it was nice to get it out. When i'd shower i'd try and turn to the side so I would make sure not to get the line wet. This line was the exact same thing, instead of coming out of my arm it was coming out of my chest. This line being in my chest it was easier to hide, didnt get in the way as much, things were just better.
Anyways I just wanted to let you in on what some things meant when I talk about them, just in case some didnt understand, or were confused.
Side note:
So i'm watching tv right now, its a show on the WB, One Tree Hill, yeah I know, its just on the tv, not exactly watching it, but I have before, it's pretty good. Anyways i'm watching it and one of the main characters just found out that her mom has cancer and is going to die. I dont know what it is with tv these days, all the shows that I watch somone in them gets cancer. Brothers and Sisters, anyone watch that? I watch it, it's great, but one of the daughters in that show gets leukemia, she even has a bone marrow transplant just like me, although her recovery time from the transplant was 2 days and mine is/was much longer. What i'm getting at is now that i've been sick, have these things been happening in tv the whole time and i'm just noticing these things now, or is it that more and more now people are getting cancer on tv, because cancer is coming up more and more in our everyday life that they now have to put it in the tv shows? Just something i've been noticing lately.
One of the first things that they do when they tell you that you have cancer is place a central line. Some start in your arm, under your bicep, they go in there and its a long cord that goes into your heart. I had a couple of these, they suck, they're annoying, see its a long cord that goes through your arm, and at the end of it there are two dangly things that stick out. Thats where all of the drugs go, and where they draw blood, anything you can imagine, happens with this line. When I say things like, "the nurses had to wrap me up", anything that has to do with wrapping, i'm talking about having to get wrapped to take a shower. Everytime I wanted to take a shower, either me or somone else would have to wrap up my cords that happened to be sticking out of my arm, so that they wouldnt get wet. These lines that they put in me were awful, not only were they just lame to have, but it hindered my ability to do really anything. I had to be careful how I laid on my side, in case I pulled my lines out, I couldnt throw anything, a baseball most importantly, I had to be wrapped in reynolds wrap to take a shower, the simpelist of daily tasks turned into chores, and things that just sucked.
I also had another kind of central line, this one was in my chest, this one I liked much more. Dont get me wrong I didnt like anything about it, but it was much better coming out of my chest then it was my arm. I still had to wrap myself, although, I did find that the sticky stuff, with one side that just stuck to you, not sure what it's called but it was great. One piece, push it over the two things now sticking out of my chest, not my arm, and take a shower, easy. I never really had anything bad to say about the line coming from my chest, although it was nice to get it out. When i'd shower i'd try and turn to the side so I would make sure not to get the line wet. This line was the exact same thing, instead of coming out of my arm it was coming out of my chest. This line being in my chest it was easier to hide, didnt get in the way as much, things were just better.
Anyways I just wanted to let you in on what some things meant when I talk about them, just in case some didnt understand, or were confused.
Side note:
So i'm watching tv right now, its a show on the WB, One Tree Hill, yeah I know, its just on the tv, not exactly watching it, but I have before, it's pretty good. Anyways i'm watching it and one of the main characters just found out that her mom has cancer and is going to die. I dont know what it is with tv these days, all the shows that I watch somone in them gets cancer. Brothers and Sisters, anyone watch that? I watch it, it's great, but one of the daughters in that show gets leukemia, she even has a bone marrow transplant just like me, although her recovery time from the transplant was 2 days and mine is/was much longer. What i'm getting at is now that i've been sick, have these things been happening in tv the whole time and i'm just noticing these things now, or is it that more and more now people are getting cancer on tv, because cancer is coming up more and more in our everyday life that they now have to put it in the tv shows? Just something i've been noticing lately.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Living at home......
Living at home is something that we promise ourselves we will never do after college, that's our time to get out on our own and not have mom and dad there breathing down your neck, questioning everything youre doing. Well sometimes you dont have a choice, like in my case, if I had a choice, I sure as hell wouldnt have moved home. This doesnt mean I dont love home, and my parents, just means I want to live with my friends and hang out. This wasnt the case, I had to move home, no options, moveing home.
I was used to being waited on hand and foot, with the push of a button i'd have someone at my becking call asking what I needed. That was great, although I didnt use that button enough, I never really needed anything, just the fact that the button was there if I needed was a good feeling. When I moved home I didnt have that button, instead I just used my voice, "MOMMMMM!", and of course my mom would come running, or sometimes would just yell back, "What?", which I would always get a chuckle from.
One of the big things I got from being sick was that I learned how to be ok with being alone, and doing things myself. For some people, me included, being alone is a tuff thing, but it was something that I had to get used too. Not that I was ever really alone, I always had somone there, if I really needed them, but I had become so independent and I was helped so often that one of the things that i enjoyed once I got home was being able to do things myself. I didnt need anyone to wrap me when I took a shower, I didnt need anyone to make me food or get me food, I wanted to do it myself, although I did enjoy home cooked meals, but I liked making my own lunch, just doing things myself, it was a good feeling.
One of the things about living at home that was hard for me was that I had to live in Northfield, which sucked because all of my friends lived in the cities and the surrounding 'burbs. I was closer to my friends when I lived at the hospital, I always saw them when I was there, now that I was living at home I didnt think I would get to see them as much. I didnt expect my friends to drop everything just because I was sick, I understood that they had their own lives to live and they were all doing different things. My friends would always tell me how they were sorry that they hadnt seen me or talked to me in awhile, but I understood that just because I was sick, that they didnt need to drop everything and see me everyday, I knew we were still friends, I knew that they were still there for me if I needed them, they didnt have to see me for me to know that. Thats why they are friends. It didnt matter that I was home though, my friends were always over, whether it be for a Wild game, or a Gopher hockey game that was on tv, or just to come over and hang out. I remember one night when there were all sorts of people over. We played some guitar hero, watched tv, just hung out, after awhile it turned into a concert of sorts, with friends playing a real guitar and singing and what not, it was great.
Although at first I didnt know what it was going to be like livnig at home, what if I got sick, or what if something went wrong, these were all things that went through my head. After a couple days it all went away because I knew I was in good hands, I mean I was at home, thats everyone's safe haven.
These worries of mine did come up while I was at home. I knew right when I was getting sick, too me, getting sick was something that I could tell when it was going to happen, it was like a sixth sense. The first time I got sick at home was about a week or two after I had gotten home from the hospital, I came down with a fever. The funny thing is that when my mom called the doctor and the doctor said that I had to go back up to the hospital, I just started crying, I wasnt crying or worried that I was sick, it was the fact that I had to go back to the dreaded hospital. I was just getting used to being at home and loved being home again, and then I had to go back to the hospital, I was glad to be going back to the hospital because I knew I was in good hands there and I would get better which was the main idea. So I had to spend a week in the hospital which was fine, I mean it sucked dont get me wrong, but what choice did I have? After a week I got to go home and enjoy being there, until I had to go back in a couple of weeks for another round of chemo, but for the time being, I was at a place that I loved being, home.
It still got to me sometimes that I was living at home but oh well, get over it right. My time spent at home consisted of watching tv and the interent, sortof like now, ha. To give you a little insight on my daily routine, I would wake up whenever, usually around 9, i'd eat some breakfast, usually cereal, then I would head for the couch, computer on my lap, and my cat by my side and i'd surf the web and channel surf until about noon, when I would go eat some lunch, I dont remember what I would eat, but I'm sure it was good and healthy. After lunch I would usually rent a movie on demand fromt he tv and lay and watch that, sometimes I would fall asleep, sometimes not. So i'd watch a movie and once that was over i'd channel surf again and play on the computer, until dinner, a nice home cooked meal, it doesnt get much better than that. After dinner I would go back to my computer and the tv and do the same thing again, surf the tv and the web, usually try and watch some kind of sporting event, until about 9pm, when then I would ask my mom to make some popcorn on the stove. Popcorn on the stove is so much better then microwave popcorn, so so so good, it was one of my cravings while I was home, always had to have it, everyday. When the popcorn was done I again would rent a movie from on demand. I would always rent these movies and not tell my parents, and just let them deal with the extra money charged to their cable bill every month, thanks mom, thanks dad. Once the movie was over i'd head to my room to watch sportscenter until I fell asleep, then get up the next day and do it all over again.
Living at home was alright, I got used to it, it was nice. No matter what, it's where I was, and it was home....
I was used to being waited on hand and foot, with the push of a button i'd have someone at my becking call asking what I needed. That was great, although I didnt use that button enough, I never really needed anything, just the fact that the button was there if I needed was a good feeling. When I moved home I didnt have that button, instead I just used my voice, "MOMMMMM!", and of course my mom would come running, or sometimes would just yell back, "What?", which I would always get a chuckle from.
One of the big things I got from being sick was that I learned how to be ok with being alone, and doing things myself. For some people, me included, being alone is a tuff thing, but it was something that I had to get used too. Not that I was ever really alone, I always had somone there, if I really needed them, but I had become so independent and I was helped so often that one of the things that i enjoyed once I got home was being able to do things myself. I didnt need anyone to wrap me when I took a shower, I didnt need anyone to make me food or get me food, I wanted to do it myself, although I did enjoy home cooked meals, but I liked making my own lunch, just doing things myself, it was a good feeling.
One of the things about living at home that was hard for me was that I had to live in Northfield, which sucked because all of my friends lived in the cities and the surrounding 'burbs. I was closer to my friends when I lived at the hospital, I always saw them when I was there, now that I was living at home I didnt think I would get to see them as much. I didnt expect my friends to drop everything just because I was sick, I understood that they had their own lives to live and they were all doing different things. My friends would always tell me how they were sorry that they hadnt seen me or talked to me in awhile, but I understood that just because I was sick, that they didnt need to drop everything and see me everyday, I knew we were still friends, I knew that they were still there for me if I needed them, they didnt have to see me for me to know that. Thats why they are friends. It didnt matter that I was home though, my friends were always over, whether it be for a Wild game, or a Gopher hockey game that was on tv, or just to come over and hang out. I remember one night when there were all sorts of people over. We played some guitar hero, watched tv, just hung out, after awhile it turned into a concert of sorts, with friends playing a real guitar and singing and what not, it was great.
Although at first I didnt know what it was going to be like livnig at home, what if I got sick, or what if something went wrong, these were all things that went through my head. After a couple days it all went away because I knew I was in good hands, I mean I was at home, thats everyone's safe haven.
These worries of mine did come up while I was at home. I knew right when I was getting sick, too me, getting sick was something that I could tell when it was going to happen, it was like a sixth sense. The first time I got sick at home was about a week or two after I had gotten home from the hospital, I came down with a fever. The funny thing is that when my mom called the doctor and the doctor said that I had to go back up to the hospital, I just started crying, I wasnt crying or worried that I was sick, it was the fact that I had to go back to the dreaded hospital. I was just getting used to being at home and loved being home again, and then I had to go back to the hospital, I was glad to be going back to the hospital because I knew I was in good hands there and I would get better which was the main idea. So I had to spend a week in the hospital which was fine, I mean it sucked dont get me wrong, but what choice did I have? After a week I got to go home and enjoy being there, until I had to go back in a couple of weeks for another round of chemo, but for the time being, I was at a place that I loved being, home.
It still got to me sometimes that I was living at home but oh well, get over it right. My time spent at home consisted of watching tv and the interent, sortof like now, ha. To give you a little insight on my daily routine, I would wake up whenever, usually around 9, i'd eat some breakfast, usually cereal, then I would head for the couch, computer on my lap, and my cat by my side and i'd surf the web and channel surf until about noon, when I would go eat some lunch, I dont remember what I would eat, but I'm sure it was good and healthy. After lunch I would usually rent a movie on demand fromt he tv and lay and watch that, sometimes I would fall asleep, sometimes not. So i'd watch a movie and once that was over i'd channel surf again and play on the computer, until dinner, a nice home cooked meal, it doesnt get much better than that. After dinner I would go back to my computer and the tv and do the same thing again, surf the tv and the web, usually try and watch some kind of sporting event, until about 9pm, when then I would ask my mom to make some popcorn on the stove. Popcorn on the stove is so much better then microwave popcorn, so so so good, it was one of my cravings while I was home, always had to have it, everyday. When the popcorn was done I again would rent a movie from on demand. I would always rent these movies and not tell my parents, and just let them deal with the extra money charged to their cable bill every month, thanks mom, thanks dad. Once the movie was over i'd head to my room to watch sportscenter until I fell asleep, then get up the next day and do it all over again.
Living at home was alright, I got used to it, it was nice. No matter what, it's where I was, and it was home....
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Cravings.......
Most people my age have times in their live's when they crave something, when they really want something, they need it. It's usually a drink, some form of tobacco, candy, usually, this just happens to be an unusual situation, I have cancer.
I was told my nurses that some people have cravings after or during chemo, but I didnt really believe them, I thought I would be different, I wouldnt have everything that everyone else has, i'm not like everyone else, i'm different. Ha, oh was I ever wrong. Although my craving's didnt come right away, because, well, when i started my chemo I didnt crave anything but my bed and well, dilauded.
After a week or so into my chemo, I still didnt crave many things, some may have thought that i craved Mcdonalds, but I didnt crave it, I had to eat, and I refused to eat the hospital food, I wouldnt even let them bring it into my room, no way, no thanks, stuff was garbage. There just happen to be a Mcdonalds in the basement of the hospital so it was easy for somone to bring it to me, so thats what i'd eat. I suppose you could say i had a craving for the orange drink from Mcdonalds, always had to have that with my meals. I never used to drink it, but it's just so good.
Two weeks went by and I started having these interesting feelings, some call them cravings, I didnt really think anything of it. It started with gummy worms and bears, all of a sudden one day I told my mom to bring some up, just on a whim, and i would constantly eat them, then eventually people were starting to send them in the mail, and i had them all the time, i couldnt go without them, i needed them, they were like water to me, if i didnt have some, i was unhappy. Along with the gummy's I also had a fond liking to Squirt soda and corn nuts. It was unusual for me not to have a 12 pack of squirt stashed away in my closet somwhere. I've always liked Squirt, my true love was Ruby Red Squirt, but that is so hard to find that i had to go to the next best thing. There is somewhat of a reason that i wanted squirt, well, what i really wanted was anything other than the hospital water, it was also gross. I dont know why it was gross, my mom said it was good, but what does she know,ha, (love you mom) but she's old school, of course she likes the water, she liked the food too. There was just something about the water that didnt sit well with me, i just wouldnt drink it, so to have a craving for squirt was a heaven sent, i wasnt supposed to drink the water. The corn nuts was something that was for sure a "craving". I had never wanted corn nuts as much as i did once i was out of the hospital, yeah these cravings lasted longer than just my time spent in the hospital, every time i went to a gas station i would have to get ranch corn nuts, if they had them. That was my snack of choice for sure. Always had some with me.
For some people craving's are just craving's, but I was glad i had these craving's. Not only were they delicious but it was something for me to keep my mind off of what i was going through.
I believe these were most of my craving's that i can remember, i'm sure there were more, but i cant think of them at the moment.
I was told my nurses that some people have cravings after or during chemo, but I didnt really believe them, I thought I would be different, I wouldnt have everything that everyone else has, i'm not like everyone else, i'm different. Ha, oh was I ever wrong. Although my craving's didnt come right away, because, well, when i started my chemo I didnt crave anything but my bed and well, dilauded.
After a week or so into my chemo, I still didnt crave many things, some may have thought that i craved Mcdonalds, but I didnt crave it, I had to eat, and I refused to eat the hospital food, I wouldnt even let them bring it into my room, no way, no thanks, stuff was garbage. There just happen to be a Mcdonalds in the basement of the hospital so it was easy for somone to bring it to me, so thats what i'd eat. I suppose you could say i had a craving for the orange drink from Mcdonalds, always had to have that with my meals. I never used to drink it, but it's just so good.
Two weeks went by and I started having these interesting feelings, some call them cravings, I didnt really think anything of it. It started with gummy worms and bears, all of a sudden one day I told my mom to bring some up, just on a whim, and i would constantly eat them, then eventually people were starting to send them in the mail, and i had them all the time, i couldnt go without them, i needed them, they were like water to me, if i didnt have some, i was unhappy. Along with the gummy's I also had a fond liking to Squirt soda and corn nuts. It was unusual for me not to have a 12 pack of squirt stashed away in my closet somwhere. I've always liked Squirt, my true love was Ruby Red Squirt, but that is so hard to find that i had to go to the next best thing. There is somewhat of a reason that i wanted squirt, well, what i really wanted was anything other than the hospital water, it was also gross. I dont know why it was gross, my mom said it was good, but what does she know,ha, (love you mom) but she's old school, of course she likes the water, she liked the food too. There was just something about the water that didnt sit well with me, i just wouldnt drink it, so to have a craving for squirt was a heaven sent, i wasnt supposed to drink the water. The corn nuts was something that was for sure a "craving". I had never wanted corn nuts as much as i did once i was out of the hospital, yeah these cravings lasted longer than just my time spent in the hospital, every time i went to a gas station i would have to get ranch corn nuts, if they had them. That was my snack of choice for sure. Always had some with me.
For some people craving's are just craving's, but I was glad i had these craving's. Not only were they delicious but it was something for me to keep my mind off of what i was going through.
I believe these were most of my craving's that i can remember, i'm sure there were more, but i cant think of them at the moment.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Shaving my head.....
When I got sick the first thing that I associated with the word cancer was losing my hair. For me losing my hair was something I wasn’t excited about, for the longest time I always thought I had an oddly shaped head and little gouiders all over it? Was I scared to lose my hair, no, was I excited to lose my hair, absolutely not, was it something that I thought about often. What was it going to be like bald? What would I look like? Its winter time, am I going to get cold easier? Will the ladies like it? Will the ladies love it? Maybe they’ll hate it. Those were things that I thought about. I had a lot of time on my hands to think about these things. When I started chemo I thought it was just going to happen right away, the day I started chemo I thought that would be the day my hair would start falling out. It wasn’t, every day I would ask my nurse if today was the day that my hair would fall out. Most of my nurses would just smile and say no, without an explanation. Well damn it I wanted an explanation, when is this shit on the top of my head going to start falling out, answers people I want answers. Until I finally stopped one of my lovely nurses in there smiling way of say not today Troy, and said wait, explain this to me, when will my hair fall out? Finally I get an answer, I was told that my hair wouldn’t fall out until a week or so after I finished my chemo, ahhh to have some sort of idea when I would lose my lushes locks was a relief. I finished chemo and then it was a waiting game, day after day I would see if my hair was falling out, it wasn’t. One day I was running my hand through my lovely locks and sure enough I noticed on my hand a couple strands of my hair, so I’d do it again, and again, hair coming out every time, at first it wasn’t a lot, nothing special. A couple of days later I did the same thing, got the same result, ran my hand through my hair and hair was still falling out, so it wasn’t a fluke. At this point it is becoming more and more hair each day, it’s now being left on my pillow from just laying there, and now I like to show off to my guests, hey check this out, and I could just pull out a lump of my own hair and throw it on the floor. I thought it was so cool, my hair was just falling out, just like that, and a stiff breeze could have taken some hair out at this point. There comes a time when your hair falls out so much that you have to make the decision to finally get rid of it.
I made the call to a couple of friends that I knew would have the right tools, and discussed the possibility of them coming up to the hospital to shave my head. Apparently shaving your head is a big deal, my friends were excited my sisters and Becky(Girlfriend) were excited, I didn’t know it was going to be such a hit, I mean I was losing my hair, no one knew what I was going to look like when I shaved my head. So I had to ask my nurse what I could use and what I couldn’t use to make this happen, they said just don’t cut yourself, I could handle that, considering I wouldn’t be the one actually doing the cutting. On a midweek evening it was time, Becky, my sisters, and a couple buddies, Andy and Haas came up to the hospital to do the deed. It was like a game to them, each one took a turn with a scissors to cut off some of the most beautiful hair they had ever seen, and watch it float to the floor like a feather. There I was in my hospital room, with friends, family and a few nurses as my witness’s shaving my head. For those of you that may not know me too well, my hair was kind of my thing, in high school I had what some called, “hockey hair”, there was a picture of me in the local Northfield News paper of me with the longest hair I had ever had, I was a pretty site. After everyone took their turn cutting my hair, it was time to part ways with the locks, so as I sat in the chair with a garbage bag over my head, with a hole for my head obviously, we shaved it.
To my amazement it didn’t look all that bad, the look grew on me, and over time it was just me. It’s funny what shaving your head means in the whole scheme of cancer. At first when you still have your hair and you’re doing chemo, it doesn’t really seem real, I mean you get sick every once in awhile; you have a lot of time to think about things. Shaving your head, well shaving your head makes everything real. You’ve reached the point where the fact that you have cancer becomes you. It’s not just something you’re sick with, it now is you, and every time you look at yourself in the mirror you have a reminder that you’re sick, you’ve lost your hair and you’re in a fight for your life.
It’s funny, none of this really got to me like it may have someone else, I knew I was sick, I knew I was in a fight, but it was a fight that I wasn’t afraid of, I wasn’t afraid of it because I knew I would win.
I made the call to a couple of friends that I knew would have the right tools, and discussed the possibility of them coming up to the hospital to shave my head. Apparently shaving your head is a big deal, my friends were excited my sisters and Becky(Girlfriend) were excited, I didn’t know it was going to be such a hit, I mean I was losing my hair, no one knew what I was going to look like when I shaved my head. So I had to ask my nurse what I could use and what I couldn’t use to make this happen, they said just don’t cut yourself, I could handle that, considering I wouldn’t be the one actually doing the cutting. On a midweek evening it was time, Becky, my sisters, and a couple buddies, Andy and Haas came up to the hospital to do the deed. It was like a game to them, each one took a turn with a scissors to cut off some of the most beautiful hair they had ever seen, and watch it float to the floor like a feather. There I was in my hospital room, with friends, family and a few nurses as my witness’s shaving my head. For those of you that may not know me too well, my hair was kind of my thing, in high school I had what some called, “hockey hair”, there was a picture of me in the local Northfield News paper of me with the longest hair I had ever had, I was a pretty site. After everyone took their turn cutting my hair, it was time to part ways with the locks, so as I sat in the chair with a garbage bag over my head, with a hole for my head obviously, we shaved it.
To my amazement it didn’t look all that bad, the look grew on me, and over time it was just me. It’s funny what shaving your head means in the whole scheme of cancer. At first when you still have your hair and you’re doing chemo, it doesn’t really seem real, I mean you get sick every once in awhile; you have a lot of time to think about things. Shaving your head, well shaving your head makes everything real. You’ve reached the point where the fact that you have cancer becomes you. It’s not just something you’re sick with, it now is you, and every time you look at yourself in the mirror you have a reminder that you’re sick, you’ve lost your hair and you’re in a fight for your life.
It’s funny, none of this really got to me like it may have someone else, I knew I was sick, I knew I was in a fight, but it was a fight that I wasn’t afraid of, I wasn’t afraid of it because I knew I would win.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Going home.....
After a month in the hospital, only getting out of my room a couple of times, meant I was ready for some fresh air. Imagine not being able to breath outside, real, air for 4 straight weeks. Yeah doesnt sound great does it. Then again if you look on the brightside, it's going to feel that much better when you do. It was, oh was it great.
The day I got to leave the hospital was great, I had been "locked" away for an entire month and I was ready for some real air. It was a little scary at first, I mean I had gotten to know the hospital as home, I had a routine of sorts down, I'd take my drug's at this time and that time, I'd eat this for breakfast, I'd see this person in the morning when i woke up, and this person when I finally fell asleep at 5am. I knew I was still sick and had a long road ahead of me. I knew at the hospital I was getting better and I was safe, there was always someone there for me at the click of a button, litteraly. I knew if I ever felt off, sick, or wanted good drugs I could just press my trusty button and within minutes someone would come running, who is trained in this sort of thing, so I knew I was in great hands. So leaving was a little scary, I knew going home was going to be great, but what if I got sick, or something happened, what then? I had a lot of questions, none of which I asked because I just wanted to get out. So saying goodbye to my new friends was a little tough, knowing very well I would see them again in a couple weeks for another two week stint in the "clink" it was still hard saying goodbye to people that I had grown so fond of.
With my goodbye's said, it was time to take that breath, I was with my sisters Amy and Gina and a good buddy of mine, Hooper. They walked me out and they can attest to it, I walked out the door, stopped in the parking lot and breathed, for about five minutes, breath after breath, in the fridgid cold, I tried to take it all in, for as long as I could before it was too cold to bear. Noone said anything, Amy, Gina, and Hooper knew what was going on, my first breath in a month, it was something else.
I had been in the hospital for awhile and I didnt have a radio, as some of you know i'm kindof a music conusor, or at least I like to think so. I hadnt listened to music in a month, the only music I got was from the guests on late night television. Too say the least I was excited to listen to the radio, get back into the mainstream music world. I cant remember what the first song I heard was, but I know I liked it. It didnt matter what it was, I liked it. Music is such a powerful thing, it cures so many thing's. I dont know what it is about music, but it's so good for everything, no matter what mood your in, listening to music, any music, makes that mood so much better. You should listen to music everyday, just sit and listen to music. You can thank me later.
The drive home was shorter than I had remembered it, considering the ride up there I was basically going to find out whether or not my life would take a drastic turn or not. I dont remember saying much, just listened to the radio, talked to Gina a little bit, but not much was said, to be honest there really was'nt anything to talk about, I was going home and this is what I wanted for the past couple weeks. After 20 minutes or so I got over leaving the hospital, shit I was going back in a couple weeks anyways, the hospital was going to miss me more than I was going to miss it. Words couldnt express my excitement, I just remember looking out the window thinking to myself, well I've made it this far, cant look back now, can only look forward, this is what I was dealt, just have to go with it.
When we finally pulled into Northfield I starting remembering all of the good time's I had there, from the stupid things I did when I was in high school to the more recent memories of the legendary summer I just had, and for a second about a month prior I didnt know if I was going to live for another month. We got closer and closer to home and I knew things were going to be just fine, no more worrying, I was just exctied to be home. We finally made it, we pulled in the driveway, turned the car off, and I just sat there for a couple seconds, I'm just trying to take everything in, I had been away from home for an entire month, i've never been away from home for that long, I mean christ my mom still does my laundry. When I walked in the door and my parents were there, my cat was there, and I knew it was'nt going to be easy but I could do this, I could beat this.
Right then I knew, I was finally home.......
The day I got to leave the hospital was great, I had been "locked" away for an entire month and I was ready for some real air. It was a little scary at first, I mean I had gotten to know the hospital as home, I had a routine of sorts down, I'd take my drug's at this time and that time, I'd eat this for breakfast, I'd see this person in the morning when i woke up, and this person when I finally fell asleep at 5am. I knew I was still sick and had a long road ahead of me. I knew at the hospital I was getting better and I was safe, there was always someone there for me at the click of a button, litteraly. I knew if I ever felt off, sick, or wanted good drugs I could just press my trusty button and within minutes someone would come running, who is trained in this sort of thing, so I knew I was in great hands. So leaving was a little scary, I knew going home was going to be great, but what if I got sick, or something happened, what then? I had a lot of questions, none of which I asked because I just wanted to get out. So saying goodbye to my new friends was a little tough, knowing very well I would see them again in a couple weeks for another two week stint in the "clink" it was still hard saying goodbye to people that I had grown so fond of.
With my goodbye's said, it was time to take that breath, I was with my sisters Amy and Gina and a good buddy of mine, Hooper. They walked me out and they can attest to it, I walked out the door, stopped in the parking lot and breathed, for about five minutes, breath after breath, in the fridgid cold, I tried to take it all in, for as long as I could before it was too cold to bear. Noone said anything, Amy, Gina, and Hooper knew what was going on, my first breath in a month, it was something else.
I had been in the hospital for awhile and I didnt have a radio, as some of you know i'm kindof a music conusor, or at least I like to think so. I hadnt listened to music in a month, the only music I got was from the guests on late night television. Too say the least I was excited to listen to the radio, get back into the mainstream music world. I cant remember what the first song I heard was, but I know I liked it. It didnt matter what it was, I liked it. Music is such a powerful thing, it cures so many thing's. I dont know what it is about music, but it's so good for everything, no matter what mood your in, listening to music, any music, makes that mood so much better. You should listen to music everyday, just sit and listen to music. You can thank me later.
The drive home was shorter than I had remembered it, considering the ride up there I was basically going to find out whether or not my life would take a drastic turn or not. I dont remember saying much, just listened to the radio, talked to Gina a little bit, but not much was said, to be honest there really was'nt anything to talk about, I was going home and this is what I wanted for the past couple weeks. After 20 minutes or so I got over leaving the hospital, shit I was going back in a couple weeks anyways, the hospital was going to miss me more than I was going to miss it. Words couldnt express my excitement, I just remember looking out the window thinking to myself, well I've made it this far, cant look back now, can only look forward, this is what I was dealt, just have to go with it.
When we finally pulled into Northfield I starting remembering all of the good time's I had there, from the stupid things I did when I was in high school to the more recent memories of the legendary summer I just had, and for a second about a month prior I didnt know if I was going to live for another month. We got closer and closer to home and I knew things were going to be just fine, no more worrying, I was just exctied to be home. We finally made it, we pulled in the driveway, turned the car off, and I just sat there for a couple seconds, I'm just trying to take everything in, I had been away from home for an entire month, i've never been away from home for that long, I mean christ my mom still does my laundry. When I walked in the door and my parents were there, my cat was there, and I knew it was'nt going to be easy but I could do this, I could beat this.
Right then I knew, I was finally home.......
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